


Knowing Her Place

by writesforsanity



Category: Green Rider Series - Kristen Britain
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-01
Updated: 2018-10-22
Packaged: 2018-12-09 20:42:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 14,073
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11676705
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/writesforsanity/pseuds/writesforsanity
Summary: Probably AU with our luck...Karigan returns to the castle following the end of Firebrand and struggles to learn where she should go next.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> As always...I don't own the characters. 
> 
> This is my first go at fanfic so please be kind.

Karigan leaned back in the stiff chair, watching the flames in the fireplace. She was stiff, she was sore. And she was tired. Karigan was a type of tired one feels in their bones, something sleep won’t cure. She wasn’t sure what would. Maybe nothing would, maybe she’d been through too much…seen too much for her soul to feel like again. So many things had changed in her life. Karigan sighed and shifted in the chair, her back stiff and protesting the movements.

She was healed. As healed as Karigan suspected she’d ever be. She could move, could walk, could ride. Could even do minimal sword play, but her former strength and mobility…only time would tell if that was something she’d get back.

Fegal and Teagan laughed in the corner of the common room, their conversation lost on her but she still noticed them casting her sidelong glances when they thought she wasn’t aware. They all did. The new riders had before she’d left, yes. But now, after word of the battle with Second Empire spread even her friends cast more and more sidelong looks at her. Too many of them were filled with pity.

Karigan shifted again, suppressing a sigh of irritation as her back refused to allow her a moment of comfort.

The door opened and shut, Mara’s voice filling the common room. “He’s sick again.”

Karigan turned in her chair to see Mara as she flopped onto the battered sofa. “Who?”

Mara signed, a sympathetic look filled her eyes. “The king. Ever since his return, he’s been plagued with bouts of fever. Some worse than others. Ben can’t figure out the cause, but thinks its tied to the injury he received on his shoulder.”

Karigan frowned, worry ticking at her breath. “What?”

Mara shrugged. “I don’t know all the details. I still don’t attend his meetings as often as Cap- General Mapstone had.”

Karigan nodded absently. The bite. From the demon. “But he recovered after the battle,” Karigan spoke softly.

“Something about the wound persists.”

Karigan took a shaky breath. They knew nothing about the demons that had attacked them, save their bite killed almost all. She ran a shaking hand over her forehead. She needed to see him, shouldn’t, but needed to. What if it was the bite? Karigan needed to know. “Where-”

“Returning to his quarters.” Her question was cut off by her former captain’s steely voice.

Karigan raised her eyes to the woman as she entered the common room but remained standing near the end of the sofa. She wanted to ask, wanted to say, she was going to see him. The steel in Mapstone’s eyes made her pause, but Karigan had been there with him when he’d been ill the first time. She needed to be there this time.

Karigan sighed through her nose. So much had changed between them, everything had changed all the while nothing had. But Estora was gone, many of the castle still in mourning black, and everything had changed in the woods on the battle field. Everything and nothing and Karigan was having a hard time knowing where she stood with him. Where she wanted to stand.

She gripped the arms of her chair to stand. “I’m going-”

“Stay seated.” Came the cold reply.

Karigan glanced again up at her old captain, the woman who knew more than Karigan would ever guess and met the stare. “I know what bit him. I may be able to help.”

“The healers have read his and your reports.”

Around them, Karigan noticed the room had gone quiet, all eyes on them. Slowly, with more anger in her veins than she understood, Karigan released her grip on the chair and leaned back. She understood, of course, where her captain was coming from. Nothing good could come from the two of them together. But- that small part of Karigan, the part that she let have a moment in the snow with the man she wanted, that small part that didn’t care about consequences was getting bigger.

She turned away and went back to staring at the flames, not feeling their heat.

“It isn’t your place.”

Karigan heard the soft words meant to ease the sting of Mapstone’s earlier ones and snorted. She wasn’t sure where her place was anymore.

Sounds in the hallway, loud scuffles and muffled shouts, brought everyone’s attention to the door. Karigan rose from her chair, ignoring the twinges from her back. Laren turned to the door, intent on opening, when it burst open before she reached it. Fastion charged in, dragging a writhing, grunting Zachary, with a second Weapon following and shutting the door.

Karigan was walking forward without noticing. “What happened?” she demanded.

Fastion turned to grip the king who was shouting and mumbling, his eyes glazed with fever and sweat on his brow. “He took a turn without warning. The fever spiked, he started hallucinating. This room was the closest.”

“Somebody get Ben!” Laren shouted.

“Fight! We must fight! They are everywhere!” Zachary shouted, his eyes whipping back and forth over things not seen.

Karigan was to him without thinking, her hands on his hot face. “You are home,” she was saying to him. “You are safe, Zachary. You aren’t fighting anyone.”

Zachary gave a guttural scream and pulled free of Fastion’s grip. Karigan threw her arm across his chest, gripping his arm, to stop him from falling. “Zachary stop!”

His momentum pushed them back and they fell to the floor in a heap, Karigan landing hard against the front of the sofa on her back. A scream burst through her lips at the sharp pain that flared across her spine. Fastion was in front of them, trying to grab Zachary’s arms when the king lurched forward. Karigan leaned forward and threw her arms around the king, pulling him back against her chest. His skin was hot through his clothes, as she held him to her.

“Zachary I am here!”

“We are not safe!”

Karigan wrapped her arm around his chest, ran her other through his damp hair. “I’m here. We are safe.” She spoke into his ear, tucked his head against her chest.

“Kari?” He whispered, calmed his movements. His heart beat in his chest and Karigan felt it in hers.

“Mmmh.” She hummed and shushed him, rocking slightly, still running her fingers through his hair. “We are not fighting. We are safe.”

He panted, but stilled against her. His hand found hers on his chest and gripped it hard enough to make her wince.

Fastion knelt in front of them, his face more strained than normal. “Ben is coming.”

Karigan nodded.

“Karigan?” his voice was so confused, his breath coming so fast.

“Yes, love. I’m here. Ben is coming.”

More weapons filed in the room, and Karigan could hear the other riders shifting nervously behind her. Karigan dropped her hand from his hair to his injuried shoulder and felt something throb, something that shouldn’t be in their world. She pressed her fingers into his skin feeling for what shouldn’t be. Zachary groaned and Karigan shushed him.

“What is happening?” Zachary whispered.

Karigan saw Laren stepped in front of them, giving Karigan a stern eye but not speaking. “You’ve a fever. Something to do with your shoulder. Ben is coming, though. Don’t worry.”

Zachary squeezed her hand against his chest, his skin hot and flushed.

The door to the common room burst open, Ben rushing in and falling to the ground next to them. “How did this happen?” he demanded while pulling the king’s shirt open.

“His shoulder, Ben.” Karigan spoke urgently. “There is something that shouldn’t be.”

Ben looked at her askance but didn’t question her. He pulled Zachary’s shirt away from his shoulders. The wound was red, inflamed, and when Karigan touched her fingers to the scars they burned. Zachary groaned at the touch and she pulled her hand away, returned it to his hair.

Ben cursed and poked around the wound. “What is it? Where?”

Karigan touched her finger gingerly to the reddest space of the scars. “Here, I think…” she swallowed and met Ben’s eyes. “I think it may be part of a tooth.”

His eyes widened. “Reports said he was bit by…”

Karigan stayed silent and met his worries eyes.

“And you think there’s a piece of tooth…” his eyes returned to the painful wound.

Zachary began to struggle anew, and Karigan hushed into his ear, put her cool hand against his hot head. “Hush, you are fine.”

“This can’t be real,” he huffed and turned his face into her neck. “You would not be here if it were real.”

Karigan felt tears clog her throat. She ran her thumb across his knuckles, where his hand gripped hers in a death grip. “Well,” she had to stop and swallow before she could speak again. “I am. Now let Ben work.”

Ben pulled a knife from his bag and met Karigan’s eyes. “I need to remove it. You’ll need to hold him still.”

“Here?” Laren’s voice cut through the tension in the room.

“I don’t want to move him,” was Ben’s distracted answer as he lowered the knife to Zachary’s shoulder. He met Karigan’s eyes and lowered the blade to where she’d pointed.

“You’ll know it when you find it, Ben.

He screamed when the blade cut into his skin. Karigan’s arms tightened around him. Her hand on his forehead kept his head against her chest, his hand crushing hers. Ben worked quietly, and efficiently, looking for the chip of demon tooth buried in the king’s flesh.

She could feel it, throbbing and pulsating, like a thing trying to break free. Maybe it was her connection to the God of Death, maybe it was her ability to walk between layers of the world. Maybe it was for some other reason entirely, bur Karigan could _feel_ when Ben’s blade drew close.

Zachary groaned and writhed against her, and Karigan felt tears dampen her shirt collar. She buried her nose against his hair and gasped with Ben when he pulled the tooth out. The thing glistened black, even as the blood dripped from it.

“The fire, Ben.” Karigan growled.

The wide-eyed, Ben jolted and tossed the thing into the fire. It hissed and spit sparks as it burned. Zachary sagged against her, his breath coming in a long puff. Ben turned back to Zachary and peered into his eyes.

“Do you know where you are?”

Zachary grunted and rolled his head gently to look around. “Rider commons,” he whispered

Karigan let out a sigh and her eyes drifted up to Laren’s as she frowned down at them. Ben started cleaning Zachary’s shoulder.

“I’ll bind this then we can move him to the mending wing so I can look at it further.”

 Zachary relaxed his hold on her hand, but only slightly. “Kari? Tell me what has happened.” His voice was hoarse and shaky.

Karigan ran her hand through his hair. “The bite on your shoulder, there was a…complication. But Ben’s sorted everything out now.”

“Mmmh, has he? And you’re here?”

Karigan nodded against his hair, pressed her lips against his head. “Yes. Soon as he’s finished you’re off to the mending wing.”

He hummed again. “You’ll follow?” he asked softly.

 She nodded against his hair and he squeezed her hand.

Ben knotted off the last of the binding and stood. “Now, sire, if you can walk…”

Fastion stepped forward, and together with Ben, helped the king to his feet. Zachary leaned heavily on Fastion as they shuffled their way out. Ben turned to Karigan, still sprawled on the floor against the sofa. He held his hands out and Karigan held back a cry of pain as she was pulled up.

“Do you need me to look at-”

 “No,” she cut him off, though she thought it would be a good idea, it could wait. It will wait. Karigan held back a wince as she turned toward the door to follow Ben.

A hand landed on her arm and Karigan looked up into Laren’s eyes. “Karigan,” her voice thick with warning.

Karigan shrugged the woman’s hand off her arm and continued.

“Do not follow.”

 Karigan turned and faced the woman and, not caring for those who watched, not caring for the reprimand she might receive, shook her head. “No,” she said firmly. “I will follow.”

“It is not your place.”

Karigan glared and turned away. “It is my place.”

She would follow him to the mending wing. She would be there till the fever breaks, just like before. And…she decided sometime while holding his fever wracked body and her voice bringing him some sort of peace, she would be there after.

               


	2. Chapter 2

Karigan approached the door in the Mending Wing, the one guarded by the two silent statues. Faston gave her a barley there nod, the slightest uptick of his lips and Karigan slipped inside. Zachary lay on the narrow cot looking pale and drawn but his eyes were clear as he peered at her. Ben sat at his side, green ribbons flowing from his fingers and around the large gash on his shoulder. Zachary smiled softly at her and waved his fingers at her, gesturing for her to come over.  
Karigan glanced over at Ben, who stayed focused on his task. She stepped over to his cot and gingerly sat on the edge near his hip. Zachary reached over and gripped her hand.  
“You came,” he whispered, his voice hoarse.   
Karigan smiled softly. “Yes.”  
Ben shifted minutely, and Karigan shifted her eyes over to him before turning back to the king. “How are you feeling?”  
He grunted. “Better than I have in weeks.”  
Karigan bristled. What if it hadn’t been removed? What could’ve happened to him?   
Zachary squeezed her hand and pulled her from her thoughts. “I’m fine.”  
Karigan rolled her shoulders. “How are your twins?” she asked and changed the subject.  
Zachary smiled a smile only a parent could give. It was radiant, full. It was a smile that had her grinning back. It was pure joy. “They are beautiful. Healthy.”  
“Good.”  
“Sire, I’m finished,” Ben spoke up and Karigan ducked her head from Ben’s glances. “I don’t think you need to stay here, however. Your fever is going down, and I think now that the…now that it’s gone I don’t feel like there is any more threat.”  
Zachary mumbled a thank you to Ben.  
“Shall I look at your back now?” He asked softly.  
Karigan sighed softly and nodded. Ben didn’t ask her to leave for another room, nor did he say anything to Zachary as he lay there watching. He simple moved behind her and eased the back of her shirt high enough to see the mess of scars. Zachary’s hand gripped hers and she lifted her eyes to see his sad ones. She squeezed his hand back and gave him a small smile.  
Ben poked and touched, Karigan hissed only once at the tenderness he found. Finally, he dropped the edge of her shirt back in place. “You didn’t tear any open again. But there will be quite the bruise.”  
Karigan nodded over her shoulder at him and gave him a quiet thank you.  
Ben retreated from the room as quietly as possible. Karigan turned her eyes back to the king who was watching her with a gentle, secret smile.   
“What?” she whispered at him.  
Zachary chuckled quietly and sat up with a groan. He tugged his tattered shirt back over his shoulder and pulled it closed. Karigan felt his heat and had to remind herself not to lean into his chest. Zachary, apparently, didn’t have the same restraint and leaned forward and pressed his lips to her temple. Karigan closed her eyes with a sigh that was too lose to a moan.   
“I have missed you,” he said as he pulled away but stayed close.   
“Mmmh,” she hummed. “Me too.”  
Aside from when she’d given her report a few days ago, Karigan had been too busy learning her new position from Mara to think about meeting with the king, let alone actually slip away for a quiet few minutes.   
Karigan turned, the corner of her lips brushing against his jaw before pulling away. “You should rest.”   
Zachary sighed and opened his mouth to argue but Karigan merely glared at him and he shut it.   
“Rest.”  
“Fine.” Everything in his tone said he was humoring her but she didn’t particularly care. “But tomorrow have dinner with me and see the twins.”  
Karigan smiled, though her throat closed a little. Estora was dead after a hard birth. She was her friend, despite the awkwardness that surrounded them. She missed her, missed her smile and gentle friendship. Missed not being able to truly mend their friendship before her death. Karigan also wasn’t sure how hard it would be, to see Estora’s children. Zachary and Estora’s children. But she would, she would because Zachary was giving her that joyous smile of a parent. “Alright.”  
Zachary stood from her cot and Karigan braced his shoulders as he wobbled.   
“I’m fine.” He tried to pull away only to wobble again.  
“Mmmh hmm.” Karigan hummed at him as she helped him to the door. “Faston,” she addressed the silent guard in the hallway. “Take his arm please, as you go. He’s not as steady as he thinks he is.”  
Faston glanced from Karigan to Zachary and gave her that small not there smile again. “Aye, ma’am.”  
“He listens to me,” Karigan snipped.  
“He’s afraid of you,” Zachary snipped back.  
“He’s smart.”   
Faston, wisely, said nothing and took Zachary’s elbow. Karigan watched them walk slowly, with Faston holding him upright by his elbow, and pulled herself away. She wanted to slip into her room, have silence to think, silence away from glances and looks. True silence. Her back ached and she wanted to lay down.   
When Karigan opened the door to room, all her hopes of a simple evening with Ghost Kitty vanished. Laren sat stiffly in the chair pulled from her desk. Karigan looked her old captain over and closed the door.   
“What can I do for you?”  
Laren took a deep breath, her hands folded in her lap. “I think I owe you an apology. Or…at least an explanation.”  
Karigan sat on her bed and faced her old captain, while leaning on one of the giant bed posts. “You are protective of him. Of the country. I understand that.”  
“He is my moonling,” she sighed. “And I regret he has not been able to be…happy.”  
Karigan watched her captain with eyes that felt older than she was, with a soul that was tired and aged more than it should be. “We all wish we could be happy.”  
“I still worry about the two of you. What you together could mean. But times are changed, the world is unsteady. War is coming, I fear, and he will need someone.”  
Karigan blinked away tears. “A lot changed this winter. A lot happened during that battle. A lot happened to me,” her voice rasped and she had to stop and take a deep breath. Had to push away the memory and sounds, push away her voice for a moment. “And he was there with me when I was…when I was so broken. I do not know if I will ever be…” Karigan took another shuttering breath and looked down at her lap. “if I’ll ever be whole again, but he makes me feel like I have the strength to try.”  
Laren reached across the gap and gripped her clenched hands with her own. “My dear girl. I am sorry this burden has been thrust on you.”  
Karigan shrugged and Laren leaned back, taking her hands with her.   
“Be smart. Whatever you do. Be smart.”  
Karigan looked up at the older woman, her hazel eyes shimmering.  
“That is all I ask. Be smart.” Laren stood and squeezed her shoulder before retreating from her room.   
Karigan watched her go before wiping her eyes and laying on her bed. She hissed as her back stretched and ached from the fall. She had to shift and move before she was comfortable and could close her eyes. She would think about Laren’s words later. Right now, she thought she’d search out that clearing with the white horse.


	3. Chapter 3

Karigan clicked her door shut softly behind her. She fingered the patch over her eye, nerves making her fingers shake a little.

“Stupid,” she muttered and dropped her fingers. She tugged on her short coat and started walking.

“Heading to dinner?”

Karigan jerked at Mara’s sudden appearance. “Yes.”

Mara looked her up and down with a grin.

“What, Mara?”

“You look nervous.”

Karigan sighed and stuffed her fingers into her pockets. She wasn’t sure of what to say to Mara, wasn’t sure if she _should_ say anything to Mara.

Mara chuckled softly next to her. “You also look happy and if you don’t think I know where you’re going…” she continued in a whisper, “you’re a bit dim.”

Karigan cut her eyes over to the red head but couldn’t hold her glare. Despite her nerves, despite her unease, despite not really knowing what she was doing…she felt lighter and happier than Karigan had in a long time. “Yes,” she breathed.

“So, why are you nervous hm?”

Karigan kept her gaze forward while they walked. She didn’t know how to say what made her nervous, was pretty sure she didn’t want to. Instead she kept walking, waited until Mara chuckled at her again and left without any more questions.

Karigan followed the corridors to the royal suites, noting the Weapons in their hiding spots. Faston caught her eye as she approached the king’s private study. He quirked his lips at her and Karigan resisted the urge to stick her tongue out at him. He opened the door for her and Karigan slipped inside. Zachary was standing near the fire dipping and bouncing in a gentle rhythm. A soft baby cooing brought her attention of a wrapped bundle nestled between pillows on the couch. Karigan peeked over the back of the couch and down at the cooing bundle.

“Isn’t he a talker?”

Karigan looked up at Zachary, face alight with that joy. “Yes, he is.” Karigan  leaned down and ran her finger down the baby’s pink cheeks. He already had a head full of blond hair curling around his ears. His eyes were still the newborn blue, but they had the Hillander shape and she knew they would be mirror images of his father’s eyes once the color came.

An ache started in the back of her throat as she looked at this baby with his father’s face and his mother’s hair, but she looked up at Zachary with a smile held firmly in place. “He looks just like you.”

Zachary beamed and tilted the sleeping bundle in his arms to Karigan. Her breath caught in her throat and she had to remember to smile. Whereas the babbling boy was a mirror of Zachary, this little girl was her mother. The slightest hint of Hillander eyes was the only thing in her face. “Ooh,” Karigan breathed. “She’ll be a trouble maker when she’s older. You’ll have every boy in the castle after her.”

Zachary chuckled and nodded down at his sleeping daughter. “She’s going to be a beauty.” He looked up at her and held the sleeping girl out to her.

Karigan shook her head. “No, I…no. Thank you.”

The children were adorable, beautiful babies. But they weren’t hers and the looked so much like Estora the hurt was a little too fresh.

“I’m sorry.”

Karigan smiled sadly at him. “Some day, but…”

“I understand.”

Karigan was relieved at his understanding, not that she hadn’t expected it. “Do you have names?”

Zachary looked down at the still babbling boy. “I thought F’ryan.”

Karigan watched him with wide eyes and felt more pride for him. “That is very kind of you.”

“I thought it owed. It felt right. I’m still thinking of a name for this wee one. I know so many brave women, I can’t seem to settle on one that fits.”

A soft knock came, followed by a quiet walking nurse. She dipped in a curtsey and started gathering up F’ryan, who had finally fallen asleep.

“I’m sure you’ll think of something.”

Zachary handed the slumbering girl to the nurse and turned to Karigan once they were alone in the room again. “Dinner?”

Karigan nodded and followed Zachary across and down the hall to his small dining room.

“How is your shoulder?” she asked as he pulled the chair out for her.

“Feels like someone slide it open yesterday,” he said drily. “But nothing worse than that.”

Karigan nodded. “Good.”

“And your back?”

Karigan shrugged a shoulder and reached for the glass of brandy he offered her. “Stiff, sore. Healing.”

Zachary watched her before moving to kneel next to her. “No more damage was done yesterday?”

Karigan shifted in her seat to better look at him. “I’m not sure more damage _could_ be done,” she said bitterly.

“Kari-”

She waved away his words. “No. Just a bruise.”

Zachary wrapped his hand around hers, where it rested on the arm of her chair. “What has Ben said?”

Karigan turned her hand over and gripped his. “He is…optimistic,” her voice was bitter with held back tears. “I am…realistic. I do not expect much more than this. I will be happy that I can walk without much pain, that I can ride Condor, that I can-that I may be able to work back to some level of swordsmanship.”

Zachary squeezed her hand.

“It’s fine…I’m fine.” Karigan pulled her hand free when the servants arrived and began laying out plates of food. Karigan stared at the plates of food, mostly ignoring it. “I’m sorry I still…all this is still very sensitive. I don’t know how to talk about…any of that yet.”

“A lot has happened to you. To us. So much more than we ever thought. So much more than either deserve.”

Karigan laughed and the sound was choked out by her tears. She felt his hand land on her shoulder, gently, then it was on the back of her neck and she was covering her mouth as the sobs broke through. He pulled her toward him and Karigan leaned into his chest. Karigan heard Zachary’s own shuttered breathing and felt tears fall onto her hair.

“Look at the pair of us,” she muttered into his neck and tried to slow her tears. They didn’t have time for tears; the luxury.

Zachary pulled back far enough to press his lips to her forehead. Karigan pulled him down by a hand on the back of his neck and pressed her lips to his. His hands cradled her jaw, his fingers combing into her hair and Karigan hummed into the kiss; at the contentment she felt there.

She pulled back and looked into his almond Hillander eyes, his children’s eyes. “I want to badly to be happy.” She placed her hand on his cheek, held it there while staying close. “I think I was, for a time, with…in the future. But he is not here and I would not go back if I could. I want to be happy now.”

Zachary started smiling but Karigan interrupted him before he could speak. “Be smart. Be smart with the lords. If you can do that and this. Then…”

Zachary kissed her again and there was a pressure and need behind it, like what they shared in the snow. When he pulled back from her, he was smiling. Karigan smiled and felt a laugh building behind her smile.

“I can do that.”

Karigan giggled and nodded. “Good. Now eat. Or the food will be cold.”

Zachary laughed, but stood and moved back to his seat. They ate and talked, mostly about his children and Karigan found the more they talked the less it hurt; how could it, when it made him beam with such joy. She didn’t remember what she had ate, what anything had tasted like or whether or not it had indeed been cold. As she walked back to her room she couldn’t stop smiling. They hadn’t talked any more about that they were doing, and that was fine with Karigan. The evening was spent simply being, no duties or roles, pressures or fears shadowing them.

Karigan turned the corner that would take her to her room and caugh Mara standing in the shadows.

“Well?” she asked.

Karigan smiled at her, and continued to her room. This was hers and hers alone for a moment longer. Mara would have to wait.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I meant for this to be all fluff and feel goods. Didn't work out that way but I think this works just as well. Sorry for the delay. Life has been lively. I also hope ya'll aren't looking for plot in this...my own work has me focused too much on plots to do it here as well.


	4. Chapter 4

Karigan shuffled the pile of papers into something that may resemble a pile. Her head hurt and her eyes were tired. This new position came with more paperwork, so much paperwork. Karigan groaned and dropped her head into her hand. A soft knock sounded at her door and she grumbled at the person to enter through her palm. The door clicked open and shut behind her.   
“How are you adjusting to the new position?”   
Karigan lifted her head to stare at Mara. “How did you manage all of this?”   
Mara chuckled and settled herself on Karigan’s bed. Karigan turned her head on her palm and looked at the redhead, who was perched on her bed looking mysterious. “Mara?”   
“I didn’t come all the way up here to talk about paperwork.”   
Karigan lifted her head and turned her small chair to face her. “Oh?”   
Mara grinned, it almost looking feral. “Well?”   
Karigan’s cheeks warmed and she leaned back. “Mara!”   
Mara leaned forward and gripped Karigan’s hands. “Come on. Tell me something. What happened?”   
“Mara,” she breathed. “We had dinner.”   
“Ya..and? ”  
Karigan snorted in her effort to hold back her laugh. “Mara, you are insufferable.” Karigan looked away from Mara’s gleeful, smiling face before shrugging. “We talked. Mostly about his children, our childhoods, little things.”   
Mara was quiet while she talked and Karigan couldn’t keep the smile off her face. Several days had passed since their dinner, and with their schedules it was expected, so there was not much to tell Mara.   
“You look happy,” Mara said, breaking into her thoughts.   
Karigan looked at Mara and smiled.   
“Oh, I intercepted a runner with a message for you. Thought I’d bring it to you myself.”   
Karigan did not trust the gleam in her eyes as she took the letter. Her quick glance at the letter showed the king’s seal. She broke the seal in seconds and read enough of the letter to see the request for her presence before shoving the letter into her pocket.   
“Need to leave?”   
Karigan slapped Mara’s shoulder as she stood and rushed from her room, Mara laughing at her the whole way.   
It occurred to Karigan halfway to the king’s study to check the letter for a location and had to change directions for the stables. As she walked across the courtyard, the setting sun was warm on her shoulders and the yard was quiet. She slipped inside the stables and the warm, familiar smell of hay and horse greeted her. Condor nickered in the distance and when Karigan found him in the stables, Zachary was already there rubbing his large cheeks.   
“Sorry if I am late. Mara had to interrogate me before she gave me your letter.”   
Zachary turned away from Condor. “It is fine. Condor was keeping me company.”   
Karigan came to stand next to Zachary, butterflies filling her stomach. “You sent for-”   
Her words stopped when the backs of his fingers grazed across her cheek. His thumb grazed her cheek bone, brush across the edge of her eye patch. Karigan closed her eye and leaned into his feather light touch before stepping back with a smile on her lips. “You shouldn’t do that where people can see.”   
Zachary smiled at her. “There is no one here,” he said but dropped his hand.   
Karigan resisted the urge to stick her tongue out at him and rolled her eyes instead. “You sent for me?”   
“I finally had some time free from meetings and wished to see you.”   
Karigan smiled and her cheeks warmed to much she was sure her face to her ears were beet red. “Oh,” she said softly at a loss for better words.   
Condor shoved his nose over the stall door, irritated at the lack of attention, and butted Karigan’s shoulder with his nose. She chuckled and rubbed his soft nose.   
“How is it…going with…” she didn’t know how to finish her question, didn’t know how to ask if things had progressed.   
“Slowly. But things are going well.” Zachary said and scrubbed the patch between Condor’s eyes. “I’ve spoken with a few lords,” at Karigan’s panicked eyes he interjected, “discretely, I have spoken to a few discretely to gage their reactions.”   
“And it has been a good reaction?”   
Zachary smiled. “Yes.”   
Karigan nodded. “That’s good then.”   
“And how are you adjusting to your new position?”   
“I’m adjusting. It came at a good time. I get to still work but not feel like a burden.”   
Zachary frowned at her and Karigan frowned back. “You know what I mean.”   
“I do.” Zachary brushed his fingers along her cheek again. Karigan smacked his fingers away with a grin. “You are very determined and gods forbid you rest even a moment.”   
Karigan couldn’t stop the groan that escaped her. “There is too much to do! I haven’t the time to rest. There is so much paperwork. The rider accounts were nothing compared to this. I don’t know how Mara did it.”   
“I’m sure you’ll manage it,” Zachary said with laughter in his voice. “You are a clan Chief’s daughter after all.”   
She sighed and looked away as she let those words settle. “I’ve been called many things recently, but that wasn’t one of them. It has been a long time since I have been that person. Sometimes I look back and wonder if I ever was. It seems a lifetime ago.”   
“You are always that person. Part of you always will be. It shapes who you are now.”   
Karigan glanced at him with a soft smile. “I suppose that is true. Part of that girl will always be there. Just like the scared young boy who hid from the weapons will always be part of you, somewhere.”   
Zachary chortled at her. “How did you know that?”   
“Oh, I know things,” she said with a smile and started walking towards the stable doors. “I should return to my work. I have so much to catch up on still.”   
Zachary gripped her hand and stopped her. A gentle on her arm and Karigan was pulled to his chest. Zachary settled his chin on top of her head and wrapped an arm around her waist.   
“You shouldn’t do this,” Karigan said again into his chest. But the giggle in her words took away any reprimand they had.   
“Indulge me a minute.”   
Karigan sighed and turned her nose into his neck. She allowed herself to revel in the feeling, the comfort before pulling back. “Now I really must get back.”   
Zachary opened his mouth to protest but Karigan raised up onto her toes to press her lips to his in a quick kiss before turning away. “You can always call for me to join you at tea,” she said over her shoulder and she walked toward the doors. “Not that I dislike secret meetings in stables either.”   
His answering chuckle followed her until the doors shut and Karigan was met with a darkened courtyard. Her walk back to her room was quiet and when she found the pile of paperwork sitting on her desk, she didn’t even care Ghost Kitty had chosen it as his napping place.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wasn't sure if I was going to keep going with it or not. But I did one more chapter. Let me know if yall think it should keep going or leave it be.


	5. Chapter 5

                “I’ve this for you,” Ben said as he handed Karigan a small jar. “The Elatians sent this for you. Well,” he shrugged, “they sent me some instructions and a few ingredients and I made it but…”

                Karigan took the jar and peered at the cream. “And what is this?”

                “Medicinal cream. It should help with the scaring and some of the pain.”

                Karigan closed the jar and tucked it into her pocket. “Thank you, Ben.”

                Ben nodded and Karigan sipped out of the room quietly. She fingered the jar as she walked slowly back to her room. She hoped it helped; hoped it helped with the scars. She didn’t think she was an overly vain woman, the gods knew she had more than enough scars, but that didn’t seem to stop the small part of her that was worried for what Zachary would do. Karigan knew he’d seen her back but that was before, before time had the chance to dull the memory and before a red, terrible wound had turned into a permanent, awful scar.

                Karigan was at her room before she realized it and pulled out the small jar. She stared at it, turning it around her hand. She stared at it, and tried to reach her arm over her head to her back. Her muscles pulled and strained, and she dropped her arm with a grunt of pain. She looked down at the jar and tossed it onto her bed with a small sigh. Tears crept up her throat, but she refused to let them fall.

                She could ask Mara. She should ask Mara, but the idea of Mara seeing her scars…the scars that nearly broke her. Karigan wasn’t sure she could stand that. She knew Mara wouldn’t judge her. But she couldn’t. Couldn’t show Mara. Not yet. Mara wore her scars like a badge of honor, as something she survived and was better for it. Karigan’s were a mark of a broken time. She wasn’t ready for her friend to see how broken she was. How damaged.

                Karigan picked up the jar, wiped the lone tear that managed to escape and turned back to the hallway. He’s seen her back once, was there when she was at her most broken. Karigan hoped she wasn’t overstepping herself. She hoped this wouldn’t be too inappropriate. She gripped the jar, buried in her pocket, tight and she slowly made her way to the king’s chambers.

                As she walked, Karigan spotted the various Weapons along the walls. She followed the dark shadows to the king’s sitting room, with Faston standing stoic by the door. “Is he busy?”

                Faston glanced at the door then back at her. “For you, I doubt it.”

                Karigan stuck her tongue out at him even as her cheeks burned. She hesitated still, her hand crushing the jar in pocket. She took a deep breath and knocked on the door. Zachary’s quiet “enter” answered her. Karigan eased the door open and slipped inside. Zachary sat on the couch, bent over more papers. Even more were spread out on the small table in front of him. The fire was crackling and Karigan smiled at the warmth in the room.

                “Yes?” Zachary asked tiredly, without looking up from his papers.  

                “Are you busy?” Karigan asked as she slowly walked further into the room.

                Zachary looked up from his papers with wide eyes. “Kari?”

                Karigan smiled and stopped in front of him. Zachary stood with a smile. “Am I interrupting anything?”

                “No,” Zachary looked down at his scattering of papers. “Well…it can wait.”

                “I can come back if—”

                “No. It’s fine.”

                Karigan smiled softly at him and let him tug her down onto the couch next to him. She kept her hand wrapped around the jar while Zachary ran his thumb over the back of her free hand.

                “What can I do for you?”

                Karigan took a deep breath and pulled her hand free so she could ring them together in her lap. “I wanted to ask…” She paused and had to lick her lips. “I need some help…”

                “Karigan,” Zachary gripped her wringing hands. “What’s wrong?”

                She took a deep breath and pulled the jar out of her pocket. “Ben gave me come cream, but I can’t…I can’t reach and—” Karigan clamped her mouth shut against the tears that crept up her throat. “Dammit,” she whispered harshly to herself.

                Zachary gently took the jar from her hands and gripped her hands.

                “I thought about asking Mara but,” Karigan took a deep breath, “I can’t…I don’t want her to see…”

                “I understand,” Zachary said when Karigan couldn’t force anymore words out. He rubbed his thumb across the back of her hand, squeezed. “I understand.”

                Karigan covered her eyes with her free, shaking hand. She wiped her eyes before dropping her hand. “I—I don’t want anyone to see but—”

                Zachary tugged on her hand. “It’s okay. Karigan…it’s okay.”

                Karigan smiled, and slowly turned around on the couch and turned her back to him before she lost her nerve. She tugged the back of her shirt up. She shivered as the warm air hit her back. Her heart thumped in her chest and Karigan had to tell herself to breathe.

                “What is this supposed to do?” Zachary asked and Karigan heard the pop of the lip.

                “Ben said it should help with the scaring. And some with the pain. The Elatians helped him make it.”

                Zachary touched cream covered fingers to her shoulder and Karigan hissed at the cold.

                “Sorry.”

                Karigan made herself relax her shoulder. “It’s just cold.”

                Zachary brought his fingers back to her shoulder. Slowly, gently he started rubbing the cream into her scars. Karigan sat, quiet, too scared to talk, and Zachary let her sit in the silence. The fire crackled behind her. Eventually the cream starting to tingle across her back and she could feel her muscles relaxing; the constant pain numbing. Karigan hummed as Zachary rubbed the tingling cream into her back.

                “Better?”

                Karigan nodded. “I don’t know what’s in it but it…this is the best my back has felt in weeks.”

                Zachary made a soft noise.

                “How…” Karigan cleared her throat, “how bad is it?”       

                Zachary tugged her shirt out of her hand and laid it back down. He turned her around gently by her shoulders. She was relieved to see no pity in his eyes. “Kari,” he said gently. “It isn’t bad. It is what it is. It is the result of evil things done by an evil woman. It is what you have survived.”

                Karigan smiled softly. “It is a mess of raw, red scars and missing muscle.”

                Zachary put his hand on her cheek. Ran his thumb across her cheek bone. “You are…and always will be beautiful.”

                Tears slipped down her cheeks and Zachary wiped them away. He tucked her against his chest and lay back against the couch arm. Karigan nestled against his chest and when her eyes sagged close she let them. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for such a long delay! I've been busy editing my own manuscript and getting it back to my editor. But while I await her red pen I have some time for another chapter or two!
> 
> Let me know what ya'll think


	6. Chapter 6

                Karigan shifted and blinked her eyes open. The room was dark, the fired burned down to nothing more than an orange glow. Hazily, she noticed Zachary’s fingers running small circles on her shoulder. Karigan shifted again and cleared her throat.

                “What time is it?” she asked sleepily.

                “Late.”

                “Late in the evening or late in the morning?”

                Zachary chuckled and Karigan bounced with the sound. “Late…evening I think. The sun is not up yet.”

                Karigan hummed that she’d heard and, with her hand not pinned between herself and Zachary’s chest, and pulled the patch off her eyes. With a groan, she rubbed the crease in her temple from the strap.

                “How are you feeling?”

                Karigan hummed again and sighed. “Better, thank you.”

She pushed herself into a sitting position; held back a groan as her stiff back protested. Zachary shifted next to her and pulled her tight next to him under his arm. Karigan tucked her head onto his shoulder and tossed her patch on the table, still covered in Zachary’s papers.

“What were you working on, when I interrupted?”

Zachary hesitated, she could feel it in his still chest as he held his breath for that one second. “You are not going to like it.”

“Mmh. Even more reason to want to know, then.”

Zachary drummed his fingers on her shoulder before answering. “Proposals. I’ve been…drafting different proposals. Trying to find the wording, the right…phrasing for when I announce this.”

Karigan let those words settle for half a second before sitting up and staring at Zachary. Even in the dim darkness she could see the pinched line between his eyes. “Announce…this?”

Zachary smoothed his hand on her cheek. “When, love. When. Which will be sooner than, I think, you expect.”

Karigan let a long breath out through her nose. “You think so?”

Even in the darkness she could see his smile. “Yes. A few more conversations. Another meeting or two and I think a courtship can be announced without my kingdom falling down around me.”

Karigan tried to hold back a laugh only to ended up snorting. “Even I didn’t think _that_ would happen.” She let Zachary’s thumb rub along her cheek before speaking again. “How do your drafts come along?”

Zachary chuckled. “Slowly. I find myself looking to even older proposals for inspiration.”

Karigan turned when she heard a servant click open the door. She muttered an ‘excuse me’ and went to the fire and started stoking it back to its former glory. Karigan and Zachary sat quietly until she left. Karigan turned back to Zachary with a sly smile. “I should go, but thank you…for…”

“Any time,” he interjected when she was a loss for more words.

 Karigan smiled again and retrieved her eye patch. She slipped it back into place with a sigh. Zachary rubbed her cheek and Karigan turned to grip Zachary’s face in her hands. She leaned in and kissed him soundly. Zachary grunted in surprise before slipping his hands around her hips. She kissed him deeply, all tongue and lips and need. Finally, slowly, Karigan pulled away. They both chuckled at how breathless they were.

“I must go now.”

Zachary laughed at her but let her stand and slip away.

* * * * *

“Where were you?”

“When?” Karigan glanced up from her inventory book at Mara, who stood with a hand on her hip in the doorway to Karigan’s small office. She still wasn’t used to having an office. It was still Mara’s Office in her mind.

“Last night. I was looking for you. Where were you?”

Karigan went back to her logs. “I was out. Lost track of time.”

Mara planted herself in the rickety chair across from the desk and thumbed her clasped hands on Karigan’s papers. “Doing?”

Karigan glanced up at her through her eyelashes. “Hm?”

“What…” Mara spoke slowly, “were you doing…when you lost track of time?”

 “Sleeping. For the most part.”

“What? Where?” Mara shouted. “I checked your room.”

“For the gods sake…” Karigan muttered and dropped her pen. “With Za—King Zachary.”

Mara raised an eyebrow her and leaned back in the chair. “All night?”

“Mara!” Karigan shouted at her.

Mara chuckled but looked appropriately chagrined. “Sorry. Sorry. So, what led to such a late meeting?”

Karigan leaned back. “It—I needed some help. It had been a long day and I fell asleep.”

“Help?” Mara frowned at her. “What did you need help with?”

Karigan waved her fingers at her. “It’s fine, Mara.”

Mara watched Karigan doubtfully for a moment before shrugging. “Are things progressing well for you and the king?”

Karigan looked away and smiled. She couldn’t stop the smile the came.

“I take it things are going well then.”

Karigan chuckled and turned back to Mara. “Yes. He thinks he can announce a courtship soon without any problems from the lords.” Karigan shrugged. “I think…I feel I have seen too much to fear a few lords now. And of all the things in this world for them to worry about…” she snorted. “I can’t imagine I would rank high on their lists. Not now that the king has heirs.”

Mara chuckled softly. “You look happy. That’s good.”

“Mara, you said you were looking for me. Was there a reason?”

“Oh, yes. Well, no not really. Mostly I wanted to complain about—”

Knocking made Mara stop and turn as the door to Karigan’s office opened. “Excuse me.”

Mara jerked to her feet as King Zachary walked in. “Sire.”

“Rider Brennyn, do sit,” King Zachary waved her back into her seat.

Mara glanced at Karigan as she slowly lowered herself back into her seat. “Thank you, Sire.”

Karigan held back a grin as she looked from Mara to Zachary. “What can I do for you, Sire.”

Zachary made a face at Karigan as he reached into his pocket and pulled out her jar of cream. “You left this.” He held it out to her. “Unless you want me to keep it?”

Karigan eyed the jar, studiously ignored Mara as her eyes bounded back and forth between the two of them, and looked back to Zachary. She wanted to tell him to keep it; knew he would, but this thing was new and fragile. Karigan didn’t want to move this faster than it should. She didn’t want to assume this was in a place it wasn’t yet. She still wanted to revel in this early thing.

“No, thank you. I’ll hold on to it for now.”

Zachary smiled a gently smile that said he knew what she was saying. “Of course.”

Karigan took it from him and slipped it into her pocket. Mara eyed the jar hard enough Karigan thought she would strain herself. “Tea later?”

“No, I’ve a meeting with more Elatian representatives. I expect it to go long.”

Karigan couldn’t stop the frown that creased her forehead. “Hm.”

Zachary paused and frowned back at her. “What? They have been cooperative since this winter.”

Karigan drummed her fingers on her desk. “They are never straight forward with their agenda. They never speak the full truth.”

“What happened?”

Karigan opened her mouth and clacked it shut. She glanced at Mara, who stood and excused herself quietly. Zachary assumed her now vacant seat. “What haven’t you told me?”

Karigan snorted. “Many things, if I thought keeping the worry from you was better than telling you.”

Zachary leaned back, his eyes wide in almost outrage, but mostly shock.

Karigan snorted again, gave a soft smile. “I learned the politics of court quick. I learned how to reacted to me even quicker. I quickly learned what things were important to the crown, and which were important to you. This—” she held up her hand when Zachary moved to interrupt her, “is important to both. Now.”

“Why now?”

Karigan took a deep breath. “Because we are doing this,” she motioned between the two of them, “now. The king wants me. Or...my eye. He wants control over it, I think. He knows more about the mirror than he says. They knew where the p’ehdrose were and knew it was forbidden for humans to enter their home. We have come to trust they will aid us in our fight, but the king is a long-lived creature with even longer sight. I worry for what he is planning after the war.”

Zachary watched her, rubbing his chin, nodding slowly. “Is this the first time he has tried to use you as his pawn?”

Karigan laughed and it was bitter. “No. Looking back now, I do not know when he wasn’t trying to move me to his own plans.”

He growled and shifted in the chair. “You were right not to tell me these things over the years.”

Karigan chuckled. “I know.” She reached across her desk with her empty hand and Zachary grabbed it, gripped it tight. “You knew what my position requires of me. So do I. What has happened has happened.”

“You should come to the meeting.”

Karigan shook her head a pulled her hand back. “No. That is not my place, yet.”

Zachary nodded, albeit a little sadly. “You’re right.” He stood, only to leaned over the desk and kiss her forehead. “Until later then.”

Karigan smiled at him. “Do not let them see how angry you are.”

Zachary chuckled, but it was low and filled with that same anger she’d seen on the battle field in the snow. “Oh no…not yet.”

Karigan watched him leave and after the door clicked shut, groaned. Mara was going to be insufferable now.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> let me know your thoughts.


	7. Chapter 7

                Mara had been insufferable. For days. Luckily Karigan had been too busy with paperwork, meetings, and new Rider problems to allow Mara much time to harass her. Not that Mara hadn’t tried. Karigan sat, stiff and tired, bent over more papers at her small desk in her room. The lantern cast just enough light for her to see her mess of papers. She’d lost track of what time it was, but knew it was later than she wished it was.

                There was soft knock at her door and when she heard the latch click her sighed. “Mara. I’m too busy. Until you give me a new a rider accountant, you don’t get to bother me about Zachary.”

                A hand landed on her shoulder and Karigan spun in her chair, palming her small dagger as she moved. She had the knife against their neck before her eyes recognized Zachary standing still behind her.

                “Gods!” she exclaimed and dropped her arm. “You can’t do that!”

                Zachary chuckled softly and eased the dagger from her hand. “I’m sorry, love.”

                Karigan sighed but couldn’t stop the smile. Zachary set her dagger on her cluttered desk and sat on the edge of her bed.

                “You’ve been ignoring my summons. I had to take matters into my own hands.”

                Karigan snorted and glanced at her desk, cover in papers, ledgers, notes and pens. “I’ve been busy. Mara is being far too picky in selecting someone to take over the accounts and I still feel like I’m behind in the Chief duties and all these new riders are just…” she threw her hand up in the air. “It’s like I’m their mother trying to keep them all in line.”

                Zachary laughed at her and pulled her onto the bed next to him. “Come here.”

                “I don’t have time,” she protested weakly, but settled under his arm.

                Zachary wrapped her arm around her and tucked her tight against his side. She felt him press his lips to her temple and she sunk further into his embrace. “You need to let yourself rest too.”

                Karigan turned into him and slipped an arm around his waist. “Hmm.”

                “So, what are you telling Mara?”

                Karigan laughed and tucked her legs up onto the bed and curled into his side. “Nothing and its driving her absolutely mad.”

                “Ask her about Fastion. That should get her to leave you alone for a moment or two.”

                Karigan pulled back to look Zachary in the eye. “What!”

                Zachary chuckled. “Only my intuition but I don’t think I’m wrong.”

                 “Oh my. I never thought I’d see that.” Karigan laughed.

                Zachary smiled and cupped her cheek. He ran his thumb along her cheek and Karigan’s chuckle quieted down. She gripped his wrist and leaned into the soft touch.

                “Missed you.”

                Karigan smiled and turned to kiss his palm. She nestled back against him and Zachary slipped his arm back around her waist. He moved his hand beneath her shirt and gently ran his fingers across her back. His fingers danced along her scars, some thicker than others, some raised, others just lines across her skin. She could feel most of his touches, but a lot of the scar tissue was numb to sensations.

                “Does it bother you?” She asked softly.

                “No. Does it bother you?”

                Karigan hooked her arm around his neck. “I don’t know. I have many scars. None as bad as those but…” she shrugged against him. “There are times I wish—”

                Her words were stopped by Zachary pulling her back and pressing mouth against hers. He splayed his hand against her back and kissed her fiercely. Karigan answered his kiss and wrapped her arms around his shoulders. Zachary half lifted her onto his lap and added his other hand to her back, pressing and touching as much of her skin as he could.

                He finally pulled back and pressed his forehead to hers. Karigan was out of breath and a little dizzy. Zachary rubbed and touched her scars, her thick worm scars, and pressed her close to his chest.

                “Do not finish what you were going to say. If I could have spared you from what happened to you, all that has happened to you, I would but I would never change how you are now. You are beautiful. Do not think you are anything less than a queen.”

                Karigan ducked her head and buried into the crook of his neck. Tears pricked her eyes, but she pressed her eyes into his neck and didn’t let them fall. She took a deep breath and pulled back enough to see his face. She smiled at him and ran her hand along his cheek. His beard was shorter than before. After returning this winter he’d kept it shorter than he used to.

                She held his face between her hands and smiled at him, didn’t know what to say. Karigan kissed him softly instead. “I like this. Shorter. It’s a good change.”

                Zachary chuckled softly and pulled her back into a long, languid kiss. Soon it was teeth and tongues and roaming hands. Fingers moved across her ribs and upward. Karigan pulled back with a gasp. Heat coiled and settled deep in her. Her skin was hot and settled against Zachary, she knew he felt the same. Zachary leaned his head against hers, breathing fast.

                “You should go,” Karigan panted.

                “Hmm. Give me a minute.”

                Karigan chuckled and buried her nose back in his neck. She took a deep breath and slowly rolled off him into her bed.

                “I had something I wanted to tell you, but I was distracted.”

                Karigan laughed low in her throat and turned her head to look at him.

                “I sent a summons to your father.”

                She sat up straighter. “Oh?”

                Zachary smiled softly at her. “I asked that he and your aunts come to the castle so I might ask him permission.”

                “Permission?” Karigan gripped his hand. “Permission to…permission to marry me?”

                “Yes.”

                Karigan smiled but then remembered her father, aunts, all of them would be here…talking to Zachary and her smile faded a little. “Prepare yourself.”

                He chuckled. “Oh, I remember when they were last here.”

                “When should they be here?”

                “In a week or so. Pending any weather problems on the road.”

                “Oh.” Karigan felt a jolt of shock. “That soon?”

                Zachary laughed at the shock on her face. “Yes, sorry. You’ve been putting me off.”

                Karigan chuckled and pointed to the pile of forgotten paperwork on her desk. “Not all my fault.”

                He squeezed her hand and stood. “I will see you tomorrow?”

                “Yes, I will try to step away for a moment.”

                Zachary kissed her on her forehead before slipping out into the dark hall. Karigan let out a long breath and sagged on her bed. She put a hand to her chest and her still pounding heart.

                “Shit,” she swore softly and pushed herself upright. Sleep wouldn’t come now, no matter how hard she tried or how tired she was. She settled herself back at her desk, and after running her hand through her hair attempted to return to her paperwork.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long break everyone! life has been hectic. Between building a house, planning a wedding, running a new etsy shop, and my actual job time has been short. But! I do have another chapter planned in my head so bear with me


	8. chapter 8

                Karigan sighed as she reached her door, her body sore and hair sweaty. Her strength was getting better, slowly, but she was getting better. She was tired and wanted to sleep. She wanted to have a quiet dinner with Zachary. Karigan opened her door with another sigh. Her eyes closed with relief and sagged against her wall.

                “Hello, Kari.”

                Her eyes popped open and settled on her father sitting in her lone chair. “Da?”

                Karigan stepped slowly into the room. “Da, what are you doing here? _When_ did you get here?”

                Stevic stood and lifted his hands half heartedly before dropping them. “I arrived a few hours ago. I just finished getting settled into the room.” He gestured loosely toward the guest room wing.

                Karigan frowned at him. “Are the aunts here?”

                “No. One journey with them was enough for this year.”

                She clucked her tongue. “Hmm.”  

                “Why was I summoned to the castle by the king, Kari? Why was I summoned to the castle by a letter in the king’s own hand, put up in one of the nicest suites of rooms I’ve ever seen?”

                Karigan sighed and felt every sore and tired muscle in her body. She wanted to sleep. Maybe more than she wanted dinner with Zachary. Her father in a bad mood in her room was not on the list of things she wanted to do tonight. Slowly she stripped off her dirty short coat and sunk onto her bed. She held back a groan as her muscle protested.

                “You know? I know you know why I was summoned.”

                “Yes, da. I know.”

                He stared at her expectantly and Karigan sighed again. “You were summoned by the king. The king will tell you why when he meets with you tomorrow.”

                “I’m meeting with him tomorrow? You know his schedule?”

                _Dear gods above and below._ She thought. “Yes. I don’t know when, but I know he was planning on speaking with you tomorrow.”

                “Kari-”

                “Father!” she interrupted him. “I am tired and sore and sweaty. I will not tell you more on the subject.” She paused to take a breath and eyed her father. “How was your trip?”

                Stevic smiled softly. “It was a good trip. The weather was good.”

                Karigan nodded and smiled at him. “Good. And the aunts are well?”

                Stevic chuckled softly and they fell into less strained conversation about her aunts and home. He asked about her eye. She skirted the question. He asked why she moved so stiffly and she said it had been a rough day training. Stevic knew she wasn’t telling him the full truth. She knew he knew she was lying. Karigan tried to pull the conversation back to home and her aunts, but they both remembered how strained they had all been before she left last winter. How broken she had been, even then.

                “I’d like to rest, da. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

                Stevic nodded, his eyes weary and worried as he watched her. “Why won’t you tell me what is going on?”

                Karigan just shook her head and shrugged toward her door. “Tomorrow da.”

                Stevic stood with his own sigh and slipped through her door without any other protest.

* * * * *

                Zachary paced in the small sitting room. He was more nervous than he wanted to admit. The sharp knock at the door stopped him in his pacing.

                “Come.”

                The door opened and Stevic stepped in past Fastion.

                “Thank you, Fastion.” Zachary turned to Stevic. “Afternoon, sir. Would you like some tea?”

                Stevic cocked an eyebrow at Zachary in a move so much like Karigan’s it was almost disconcerting.

                “Thank you, sire.” Stevic said while slowly seating himself in the chair.

                Zachary took a deep breath and sat across from Stevic and poured two cups of tea from the tray set between the two.

                “Sire,” Stevic spoke as he took the offered cup. “Why am I here? What is Kari not telling me? Is she okay?”

                “She is fine. She is safe.” He looked down into his cup. “I asked you here, so I could speak with you. I—I have a question I need to ask you.”

                Stevic watched him with stern eyes. Slowly he set his untouched cup of tea down and clasped his hands under his chin. “You want to ask me for my permission to marry my daughter.”

                Zachary took a deep breath through barley parted lips. _Well…I see where she gets it._ “Yes. Yes, sir, that is why I sent for you.”

                “I thought as much. Kari wouldn’t say one way or another to me last night, but I am not a stupid man. I knew there was something between you two. I could see it in her eyes. On her face, whenever you were mentioned or near.”

                Zachary leaned back in his chair, worried for what was going to come next. Wondering what was coming from the look in his eyes.

                “Sire, do you know what else I saw in her eyes and on her face?”

                He could only sit quietly and shake his head.

                “I saw agony. Heartbreak. I saw sorrow on her face whenever she would look on yours. It was buried deep. Deep beneath the loyalty and pride and love but I could always see it. Tell me, sire, why would I grant your marriage to my beloved Kari when you’ve caused her so much pain?”

                Zachary nodded slowly. Stevic was not wrong. His actions had broken Kari. Letting her believe for all these years what she felt was one sided would have been so much easier. For both of them. He was selfish when he wanted—did tell her. “Karigan and I have spoken about what has happened. I made mistakes but I have paid for those mistakes. I love your daughter. More than I thought it was possible.”

                Stevic frowned and sat back in his own chair, mirroring Zachary. He stared at him with a frown creasing his face and conflict in his eyes. He shook his head softly. “I—”

                “Well,” Karigan’s voice cut through the room. “This looks like it’s going well.”

                Zachary stood at her voice. “I didn’t hear the door.”

                She quirked a half smile at him. “Nor me knocking so I just let myself in. I had hoped you didn’t hear me because everything was going so well you both were engrossed in conversation but—” she glanced between the two of them and cast Zachary a long look. “Not the case it seems.”

                Zachary took a deep breath, today would be a day of deep breaths, and gestured to a chair around the cooling tea. Karigan waved him off and leaned her hip against the side of his chair. Zachary cast her a look as he settled himself back in his chair. She gave him the smallest of headshakes and shoulder shrug. He left it be but made a mental note to ask her about her back when Stevic was gone.

                “Da, what happened?”

                Stevic turned his eyes over his shoulder to Karigan. “Nothing happened. I simply asked a question.”

                “Hmm.” She hummed above him and Zachary felt her fingers settle at the nap of his neck. They combed softly through his hair and under his collar, almost as if it was an unconscious movement. Zachary sat still, not daring to bring attention to her subtle ministrations. “What did you ask?”

                Stevic’s eyes were following her hand and suddenly snapped back to Zachary before darting between Karigan, Zachary, and her hand on the back of his neck. “I asked why I should give my permission. I asked why, if he’s caused you such pain, why I should allow it.”

                Zachary felt her hand still in his hair. As if she realized what she was doing, Karigan pulled her hand away only to perch on the arm of his chair. There was a stillness to Karigan, as she perched so close to him, that reminded him of a fighter’s calm. The anger that was simmering just beneath the surface, he could sense it in her stillness. He placed a hand on her knee where it was tucked up on the arm.

                “Da,” she said softly, but there was no mistaking her tone for kindness. “What do you know of my pain? Hmm? What do you mean?”

                Stevic waved his hand in the air. “I could see it on your face, Kari. You were in so much pain over things you wouldn’t tell me! Why should allow this?”

                Karigan sighed and looked away. Zachary sensed more than felt her anger go out with that sigh. “Yes. I have been through—I have seen so much. I have had my heart broken, my body.” She took a soft breath and whispered, “my mind.”

                Zachary squeezed her knee and she looked down at him.

                “But do you see any of that on my face now, da?” Karigan smiled at him and turned back to Stevic. “I am the happiest I’ve ever been. Happier than I thought possible for me.” Stevic opened his mouth but Karigan held up her hand before dropping it back to Zachary’s nape.

                “No,” she spoke before he could. “No, da. Let me tell you what I want. Zachary wanted to do the honorable thing and ask you for permission. _I_ wanted to simply inform you I was marrying him. So, da. Zachary would like your permission but I will be marrying him with or without it.”

                Karigan squeezed the back of his neck gently before going back to combing through his hair in slow, repetitive movements.

                Stevic watched her but eventually nodded slowly. “Alright.” His eyes went back to Zachary. “I can appreciate you wanting to do the honorable thing.”

                “And I can appreciate that you are still weary.” Zachary said. “I want you to be comfortable with this. Might I suggest taking a break for this afternoon so you can think and then join us for dinner?”

                Stevic glanced as Karigain. “Us?”

                “We often dine together.”

                Karigan stood from her perch on the chair and Zachary and Stevic stood with her. He caught a slight bemused look on her face as she glanced between the two. Karigan held her arm out to her father and moved him toward the door. “I’ll find you later and we can talk if you want.”

                Stevic nodded and let himself be escorted out of the room. Zachary remained by his chair until Karigan returned to stand in front of him.

                “I told you it wasn’t going to go well.”

                “I didn’t think it would start off so badly,” Zachary said with a grimace and sat.

                Karigan sighed and slowly lowered herself into her father’s now empty seat.

                “What is wrong? You would’tn sit earlier and now it looks like you’re moving stiffly.”

                Karigan cast him a sour look and eased back in the chair. “I’m just stiff from Drent yesterday. I think I pushed myself too far and I’m paying for it.”

                Zachary held back a sigh. “I’d yell at you, but I know that would only make you yell at me in return, so I’ll just sit silent about that.”

                “Mm hmm,” Karigan grunted and raised an eyebrow at him. “Well, dinner should be interesting.”

                “Let him see you being happy, Kari.” Zachary said. “Let him see how different you are from when he saw you last winter. He will relax then.”

                “I’m sure.” Karigan felt the pot of tea, and satisfied it was still warm, poured herself a cup. “Have tea with me for a moment before I have to return. I’ve a meeting I’m putting off.”

                Zachary chuckled. “Thank you for rescuing me from your father.”

                 Karigan smiled at him over her cup. “Any time, love. Although if my aunts ever set upon you, you’re on your own.”

                He chuckled and sipped his cool tea. He was happy, sitting there watching Karigan drink tea. Even with a potentially awkward dinner and an unhappy father-in-law he was happy. Karigan smiled at him, as if reading his thoughts.

                “I really should go. I can’t actually put off this meeting.”

                Zachary chortled at her and stood, gripping her offered hand and pulling her to her feet. “Fine. See you tonight.”

                Karigan snorted and leaned in to whisper in his ear. “Don’t worry I’ll save you again.” And kissed him on the cheek.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the long wait. I tried to make it longer to make up for it.
> 
> Also, I couldn't quite remember how Karigan and her father left things at the end of the last book so I may have taken some liberties there but I'm also not Stevic's biggest fan so... Laren better whip him into shape.


	9. Chapter 9

                Karigan slipped into the king’s private dining room earlier than the appointed time. She knew Zachary would be here, fretting or hovering, and doing work as a cover until everyone arrived. The door clicked shut softly behind her and Zachary jerked in his seat at the table. Karigan snorted at the shocked look on his face and sighed when she saw the small stack of papers sitting on top his place setting.

                “What?”

                “I knew it,” Karigan chuckled and pulled a chair around the table to sit next to him.

                “Knew what?” He glowered at her, but the look didn’t hold much weight.

                “That you’d be here, panicking, and working.”

                Zachary breathed a soft chuckle and tossed his paper onto the stack. “I tried to…I thought I could distract….” He trailed off with a sigh and looked down right pitiful.

                Karigan chuckled and slipped her hand along his cheek. Zachary turned into her touch and she gripped the back of his neck, her thumb rubbing along his jaw. “You should not worry,” she spoke softly.

                Zachary gripped her hand. “I know. That doesn’t mean I don’t want his approval all the same.”

                He looked so worried. Karigan felt nothing but warmth and love for this man as he sat there worrying over whether her father would like him. She smiled at him. This kind man she loved so much. Karigan pulled Zachary close by her hand on his neck and kissed him soundly. She pressed her lips to his, deepened it slowly. Lips and teeth and tongue. Her hand slipped from his neck into his hair and after a gently tug, pulled away out of breath and with heavy eyes. Zachary watched her with his own heavy eyes and parted lips.

                “What was that for?”

                She smiled and leaned back in her chair, creating some distance Karigan desperately needed now. “I love you. And I appreciate your efforts with my father. And,” Karigan shrugged one shoulder and smiled. “I wanted to kiss you.”

                Zachary laughed and slumped in his chair. “You’re making this very difficult.”

                “This?” she asked with feigned innocence. Karigan left her seat and sat across his legs, draping both arms around his shoulders. “What is ‘this’?”

                Zachary slipped his arms around her waist and pulled her tight. “Woman….” He growled softly and buried his nose in her neck. He breathed deep and squeezed her waist, pressing her tight against him. Karigan chuckled low in her throat and pressed her lips to his hair line. Her skin was flushed and there was a pressing need she was having a hard time silencing. It coiled tight and low, and Karigan was intimately aware of her chest pressed against his.

                “This is new,” Zachary whispered into her neck even as he tightened his grip on her hips.

                “Hmm,” Karigan hummed. “I have wished and waited for a long time. My willpower is growing thin.”

                Zachary chuckled breathlessly and pulled back enough look into her eyes. “This is not helping my own.”

                Karigan hummed again and pressed her lips to his temple. Zachary’s hands left her hips and dragged upward along her ribs. Karigan sighed a long breath and pressed hard against him.

                “Plus,” he murmured into neck, “your father should be arriving soon.”

                Karigan laughed and it broke the tension coiling between the two. “Oh,” she laughed, “can you even picture his face if he walked in now?”

                “I’d rather not. I can’t imagine I would survive the wrath that would follow.”

                Karigan continued to chortle and slipped back into her own chair. “How mortifying!” Her laughter died down. Zachary’s face was flushed and her skin still felt too tight and too hot. 

                “I’m sorry,” she breathed. “I’ll behave.”

                Zachary chuckled. “I’ve never known you to be one that behaved.”

                Karigan opened her mouth for a haughty response only to be stopped by a brisk knock on the door and it opening in quick succession.

                “Excuse me, Your Majesty, I hope I am not too early.” Stevic spoke from the doorway.

                Karigan clapped her mouth shut and felt her face go from hot to boiling red. Silently she prayed her thanks to the gods her back was to the door. Zachary cleared his throat, but not before casting a pointed look at Karigan and standing.

                “No, sir. Perfect timing.”

                The tension, the want that had built up but was denied erupted into hysteria. She could feel the laughter bubbling up in her chest. Karigan tried to hold back the laugh only to snicker behind her hand. Zachary moved to greet Stevic and swatted her shoulder as he passed, which did nothing but make her snicker harder. It was a release. Not that one she wanted but it was a release of the tension coiling inside her.

                “I hope I haven’t interrupted.” Stevic asked from behind her, “are you alright, Kari?”

                Karigan took a deep breath and cleared her throat and smothered her giggles. She stood and moved her chair back into its place. “No, no. I’m fine. We were just—” Karigan felt the giggle creeping back up her throat. “I’m fine.”

                Zachary raised his eyebrows at her as if to say, “are you really?”

Karigan cast him a quick look before stuffing her hands into her pockets. “I’m fine.”

Stevic cast looks between the two of them before nodding suspiciously.

“They should be brining in the food any moment now, let’s sit.” Zachary gestured to the table.

Karigan took a deep breath and turned to the table. The hysterics seemed to have finally passed and for that she was grateful. Karigan reached for her chair only for Zachary to reach it first and pull it out for her. Karigan cast him a side eye and she slid into the offered chair. Zachary gathered his papers and tossed them onto the unused chair. Stevic seated himself on the opposite end of the table across from Zachary.

A servant arrived with a decanter of brandy almost as if by silent cue and filled their glasses. Karigan took a long drink from it and ignored the look her father was casting her.

“How are your babies?” Karigan asked once she set the glass back down.

Zachary smiled. “They are happy. F’ryan is turning into quite the talker; always chittering and chirping at the things he sees. Little Laren is a quiet one but I think she’s going to be mischievous. She makes such faces at things.”

Karigan couldn’t stop the smile erupted. She had been there when Zachary had told Laren he’d finally settled on a name for his girl. Laren’s face had been a mixture of shock, joy, and confusion. It wasn’t a look Karigan was used to seeing on her steadfast mentor.

“She has expressive eyebrows.” Karigan agreed just as servants entered with trays off food.

They were silent as the food was passed around and placed on plates. Stevic cast cautious glances between the two of them. Karigan ignored his looks and started in on her dinner. Zachary was equally quiet, but not in a strained way. They’d grown into a familiar habit with these dinners and silent stretches while they ate was normal and peaceful. They let the silence grow as they ate, Stevic eating slowly with watchful eyes at the end of the table.

“How was your meeting?” Zachary asked around a mouthful of bread.

Karigan grunted and tried not to roll her eyes. “Long. A few of the new recruits are having….” Karigan grunted again, “issues adjusting to rules. It was an interesting meeting with Drent, to say the least.”

Zachary chuckled. “Were you two plotting punishments together?”

“Having experienced most of them I thought it fitting.” Karigan snorted and sipped her drink. “He then pestered me on my own training, or what he preserves as lack of training, and we ended in a glowering match that might’ve scared a few of the youngsters.” She shrugged, not all that repentant. They needed a healthy dose of fear, better to learn in now and not in the mud with a practice sword in your face.

“I’m sure,” Zachary chuckled. “You have an impressive glower.”

Karigan chuckled at him and caught her father watching them carefully from his end of the table. “Da,” she said, hoping that bringing him into the conversation wouldn’t make it more awkward. “How did you spend the rest of your day?”

“It was…” Stevic set his fork down and wiped his mouth. “I spent the day thinking.”

Karigan raised her eyes at him expectantly.

“I’m still thinking. This is a lot to process. A lot…” he paused. “It’s a lot.”

She tried to hold back her sigh and glanced at Zachary.

“Tell me,” Stevic said. “If we’re to do this, tell me. When did this start?”

Zachary leaned back in his seat and Karigan grabbed her glass.

“I suppose I don’t really know when it started.” His words were soft. “She was this strong-willed woman who had the spirit to tell me all I was doing wrong as king.  She fascinated me.” He glanced at her, sitting quietly to his right. “She intrigued me. And before I knew it I was in love with her.”

Karigan smiled softly at him. “Lost Lake. I knew there was something different during the battle at Lost Lake.”

Zachary frowned at her softly while he waited for her to elaborate.

“He was going to put an arrow in your chest and all I felt was panic at the thought. I was being tortured by his magic but all I could focus on was his arrow pointed at you.”

He reached across and gently gripped her hand before leaning back in his chair. “That is so long. I didn’t know it was so long ago,” he said softly, no doubt remembering what came after Lost Lake; the hand mirror, Estora, his children. All the time wasted. All the pain.

She shrugged at him, forgetting for the moment her father sat watching them with fixed attention. “What could have been done? Hm? You still could not have married me. And I still wouldn’t have allowed for the other option.”

“I still feel like a fool for even speaking that.”

“What option?” Her father cut in sharply.

Karigan closed her eyes with a silent sigh. When she opened them, she saw Zachary watching her with a look she couldn’t quite name.

“What… Option?”

She turned to him, part of her reacting as a daughter to her father, ready to answer his questions. But a larger part of her, the part that answered her father’s question, was a woman not willing to speak of private conversations with her lover. “Nothing. It isn’t relevant.”

Stevic opened his mouth, no doubt to rebuke her, but he must’ve seen something that made him pause and instead he nodded his head and went back to his dinner before looking back up. “Have you ever been improper with my daughter?”

Karigan snapped her head to her father only to have Zachary tap her hand gently. Her mouth clamped shut with an audible snap.

“No.” Zachary said simply.

“And would you ever do anything to hurt her?”

“Never, if I can control it.” Zachary squeezed her hand.

Stevic sucked his teeth and leaned back in his chair. “I’ve never seen you this happy, Kari.”

Karigan let out a breath she didn’t realize she’d been holding and her shoulders slumped with the release.

“You two…together, here like this. It’s so easy between you. Like it was with Kirany and me.” Stevic sighed softly. “You have my permission. This was important to you; that I approved. You wanted to do right by her family and I can appreciate that. And, you make her smile so much.”

Karigan smiled, smiled so hard her cheeks hurt. She didn’t realize how happy her father’s approval would make her or how much it meant to her. So much of her life had become fighting for what she wanted that she had forgotten what it was like to not have to. She turned to Zachary, who was smiling as wide as she must’ve been.

She leaned forward and kissed him on his cheek. “You did good.”

                Zachary chuckled and looked just so damned proud she had to tell herself not to kiss him again. Gods…she loved him. Too much it seemed sometimes.

                “Let’s finish dinner and tell me more of these babies of yours,” Stevic said and they settled into casual conversation that lasted well into the night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope I remembered Karigan's Mom's name right but I was too tired to research it...  
> Also...this was a little more steamy than previous chapters. *cheer for slow burn*


End file.
